Back to normal???

I haven’t been blogging due to:

-coming to terms with getting a divorce we didn’t want but was needed due to circumstances
-coming to terms that all grew up knowing and what I thought shaped me was now causing conflict in my heart

But after reading through some emails today, the @candidbelle reminded me that life will continue to throw things my way and my faith and determination will sustain me regardless. So I will get back to my original purpose which is to document my journey, good and not so good.

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VINTAGE 40

I am so blessed to have reached my 40th birthday, I’ve been loved my whole life first by my parents and extended family and then my two best friends who helped me raise my two girls, Briana and Amia.

I love to party with my family and friends.

I’m looking forward to my next chapter. #40thbirthday

♫ Music: Everyday Birthday – Swizz Beatz made with @flipagram . http://flipagram.com/f/SDZKJekKQF

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Helpless

I anticipated my first two weeks of March being hard, especially with the recent separation, birthday (12th), filing for divorce (13th) and anniversary (15th) all in the next two weeks.
But also having another issue come up, is threatening my mental health. I am confused on my next steps and if I am projecting or legitimately pissed.
I have been praying for guidance, peace, and clarity all weekend but I keep coming back to a need to declare war on my family, that will not end well for us. I’ve grown up with a sense of self, family, and faith that in the last year continuously gets trampled in the vain to keep the peace and I am over it. I have to take a stand and do what I feel is best, I doubt I fail but am willing of it beings some resolution and possibly fixes things.

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This too shall pass

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I know in real life its not a failure, but in my heart it is. I’m thankful for those who see me as someone strong, I have a coworker who always remarks on how she admires me, how strong she thinks I am at work. It inspires me in the times when I’m literally crying for my mommy. I also appreciate my mom and sister in law who have silently supported me by being present if I need them.
As my mom said tonight, this too shall pass and I do know that, I am letting go of something wonderful for a greater purpose since I the ultimate daddy’s girl know what that relationship means.

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Musings

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I’ve never experienced this type of pain but I am determined to be a better person because I know what was given to the make the decision causing it. Being selfless is rare these days but I still know true love although fleeting.

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Today was a snow day, not really it was a paid holiday, President’s Day. Around 1pm it started snowing, first real snow since 2009. Its been a quiet day, grateful for that. Thinking of working from home tomorrow, keeping busy to keep my mind of missing my friend.
Had my 1st meeting with my financial planner today, super excited. His timeline is was more planned than mine so gotta sync that, 2020 is not the move date, lol.
No new hives today but still have old ones that are itchy.
I am grateful and still going.

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Proactive

Didn’t sleep too well, but already put plan into place for Amia. Had conference call with her case manager, this morning, who also has been concerned all week by recent behavior as well. Came to conclusion by comparing notes that Amia needs some additional services in place. I wanted to support her and not force her to be healthy, but her behavior is justifying my actions.

She is manic. The lack of concern for consequences, the dishonesty, the deception, will just continue to escalate. I’m hoping for the best as we try to head off a major episode. And praying it doesn’t affect my mood stability as well.

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TGIF…..

Yay, its Friday
It was a hard work day, very busy but felt like treading water.
Family was annoying but I know it’s my mood. Mom was sending messages, uncle was over staying welcome, and Amia continues to puzzle her momma.
Today, I called home, no answer but so busy I ignored my intuition. I went to visit a cousin after work only to be surprised by call from Amia. It was after 5pm and she was on the whole other side of town. Mind racing, so upset, but so scared, just trying to get to her. She claims she got on wrong school bus, but I remember those days. Is it karma? I seriously remember being skipping school or feigning after school activities so i could have freedom.
I’m lost…….

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Rain go away

Today’s mood is all over the place, just want to hide in bed.
Been up majority of night, mind not still, meeting at school didn’t happen AGAIN. I can’t understand why people feel their job is more important thn mine, i have a responsibility to be at work in a timely manner not sitting waiting.
Sorry for my rant this morning, going to say my prayers, refocus, and get back to work.
Enjoy your day

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