Helpless

I anticipated my first two weeks of March being hard, especially with the recent separation, birthday (12th), filing for divorce (13th) and anniversary (15th) all in the next two weeks.
But also having another issue come up, is threatening my mental health. I am confused on my next steps and if I am projecting or legitimately pissed.
I have been praying for guidance, peace, and clarity all weekend but I keep coming back to a need to declare war on my family, that will not end well for us. I’ve grown up with a sense of self, family, and faith that in the last year continuously gets trampled in the vain to keep the peace and I am over it. I have to take a stand and do what I feel is best, I doubt I fail but am willing of it beings some resolution and possibly fixes things.

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This too shall pass

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I know in real life its not a failure, but in my heart it is. I’m thankful for those who see me as someone strong, I have a coworker who always remarks on how she admires me, how strong she thinks I am at work. It inspires me in the times when I’m literally crying for my mommy. I also appreciate my mom and sister in law who have silently supported me by being present if I need them.
As my mom said tonight, this too shall pass and I do know that, I am letting go of something wonderful for a greater purpose since I the ultimate daddy’s girl know what that relationship means.

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Manic Monday…..

I’ve been wrestling with the amount of transparency to share in regards to everything on my blog. I’m an open book but how do I express when I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally struggling in other areas?
So I’ve been quiet, allowing my emotions to get the best of me, and just praying. But today, my AHA moment came when, I had to hear the doctor tell me that my stress was causing my health issue, and had to back on meds. That was like a ton of bricks for me. Money has never been a move for me, as long as I can sustain my lifestyle which is far from extravagant I’m happy.
Plus I was letting someone steal my joy,  and make me feel less than, not my style.

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1 in 3 on Disability Have Mental Disorder; 42.9% in D.C. | CNS News

Very interesting statistic, it was just being recognized as a disability when I applied for my daughter.

The key to my expedited service was preparation. I requested a copy of every document when we received services so when I submitted application they rarely need to wait for paperwork. I had copies made into a binder, excel spreadsheet from pharmacy to substanciate prescription records, spreadsheet of doctors and hospitalizations.

1 in 3 on Disability Have Mental Disorder; 42.9% in D.C. | CNS News.

Ah ha moment

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I realized today that, not feeling well and ignoring it was a precipitating factor in my reaction to the criticism that should’ve been routine. I have had so much going on that Ive ignored some major signs but its time to get back on my grind. I’ve never been weak and I don’t plan to let some petty people get me out my square.

Thanks to prayer, and taking the time, I refocused myself. I will be better on all fronts.

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Just Breathe!

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Today, I allowed some harsh criticism to get at me so bad at work that my whole demeanor has been affected.
I usually don’t allow this but I been trying so hard to do so much that, today was my warning sign to step back before I start cycling.

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Proactive

Didn’t sleep too well, but already put plan into place for Amia. Had conference call with her case manager, this morning, who also has been concerned all week by recent behavior as well. Came to conclusion by comparing notes that Amia needs some additional services in place. I wanted to support her and not force her to be healthy, but her behavior is justifying my actions.

She is manic. The lack of concern for consequences, the dishonesty, the deception, will just continue to escalate. I’m hoping for the best as we try to head off a major episode. And praying it doesn’t affect my mood stability as well.

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TGIF…..

Yay, its Friday
It was a hard work day, very busy but felt like treading water.
Family was annoying but I know it’s my mood. Mom was sending messages, uncle was over staying welcome, and Amia continues to puzzle her momma.
Today, I called home, no answer but so busy I ignored my intuition. I went to visit a cousin after work only to be surprised by call from Amia. It was after 5pm and she was on the whole other side of town. Mind racing, so upset, but so scared, just trying to get to her. She claims she got on wrong school bus, but I remember those days. Is it karma? I seriously remember being skipping school or feigning after school activities so i could have freedom.
I’m lost…….

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Enough is enough

Amia was finally able to return to school, but first we had another sleepless night because she was throwing up all over everything, eww. But she got up and went.

Work was productive although I had to redirect myself several ties to stay focused. I absolutely love my job, but at times the constant touching of the same item, drives me crazy. But its rare to find something you are awesome at, appreciated for, and paid well.

So back to Amia, I was able to catch her in a situation that I disagree with but don’t understand why her mind works the way it does. Supposedly, there have been numerous package deliveries before I arrive home, today I dug in the trash to investigate. She denied it at first, then tried to say it was one thing but I later found packaging slip. She ordered a $70 shirt. OMG, what!!!! I frantically check my bank accounts, nothing, then remember my mom leaving a message about using her credit card. Wow, yep she has ran up several charges which she still denies and I have no idea what was purchased.
I tossed her room and can’t find a thing. She still sees no issue, I now have to replace the funds, so budget screwed. Due to constant state interactions she is aware that I am prohibited from disciplining her, she already has limited perks, as I have taken cell phone, tablet, social media access.

I am just so upset, disappointed and confused. I thought we were on a good trend of being mentally stable, for her anyway.

Back to the drawing board to keep myself stable. Still praying

Thanks for listening as always

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Rain go away

Today’s mood is all over the place, just want to hide in bed.
Been up majority of night, mind not still, meeting at school didn’t happen AGAIN. I can’t understand why people feel their job is more important thn mine, i have a responsibility to be at work in a timely manner not sitting waiting.
Sorry for my rant this morning, going to say my prayers, refocus, and get back to work.
Enjoy your day

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